Oh Dylly dear,
Do tell me about girlhood.
How is it going?
Are the dolls and dresses to your liking?
How about the canopy beds, aren’t they a delight?
The glitter and the bows,
Isn’t it wonderful?
Tell me to about menstruation,
Have you “become a woman” yet?
Bummer, isn’t it?
Ruining your favorite khakis and sheets
The white pants that used to fit just right,
And the sheets that you had to save up for.
I know that you lucked into that silver spoon, Dylly.
But still
Egyptian cotton is expensive,
And they don’t make things how they used to
It’s hard to go out and “replace” the perfect set of $700 sheets,
Even with the money just sitting around
What about a gun, Dylly?
Not like that
But just, you know, the sexual assaults and all
One in three
Or at least, one in three women who will talk about it,
Who’ll check the box on the survey
Probably a bit higher;
There are just some things polite people don’t talk about
Even in anonymous surveys
I can’t blame them,
I mean, who would?
After all, that’s not the hard part
The hard part is everything that goes along with it
The blame, the accusations
I mean, why would you have been wearing shorts in July if you didn’t want it?
And going to the grocery store after dark?
Geez Dyl, why would you be buying canned corn at 8 PM if you weren’t looking for some surprise sex?
Also,
Purity is important
Even if you don’t want to save yourself for marriage,
Nobody wants tainted goods
The boyfriend of three years, the one who came from a nice family and played lacrosse?
A person can probably get a pass on sleeping with him
But some creepy rapist?
Eww
Nobody’s going to want to touch you after that,
Nobody’s going to want to be his sloppy seconds
That’s not even taking into account unintended pregnancy
Ruin your body to carry a demon’s baby, versus burning in hell?
And that’s only if those things are legal at all in your state,
Otherwise the risk of jail has to be factored in
Not for your rapist, of course
Just for you
That’s…that’s why you might want to think about a gun, Dylly Girl
You’re smaller and weaker than the boys,
But a Sig Sauer doesn’t care
Also, have you been thinking about motherhood yet?
I mean, you’ll have it pretty easy,
With the silver spoon and all
You probably don’t have to worry too much about paid leave and medical bills
But still
Forget the physical, forget the financial
The expectations are just a lot
Back when I was growing up,
Dads didn’t have to do a ton
The financial pressure was incredible, but your parents took care of that part for you
For you, fatherhood should be a breeze
All you have to do is write the check to Harvard Westlake,
And maybe go to a soccer game or two
You’ll be the best dad in town
You’ll be an inspiration to men everywhere,
You’ll want to wear ear protection so you don’t go deaf from all of the panties dropping
Every time you drive the kid to school
But being a mom?
Man, that’s a lose-lose
Buy the baby clothes at Old Navy, and you’re a flooze who doesn’t care
Buy Baby Burberry, and you’re blowing through your kid’s inheritance for your own vanity
Kids aren’t an accessory, you know
Pick him up when he cries?
How’s he ever going to deal with the real world after being coddled by a mother like you?
Let him cry it out?
Stop, you monster
You’re raising the next school shooter
And forget your own wants and needs
Dads can golf whenever they want,
But the only moms who still meet friends for dinner once a year
Are the moms who don’t love their children
It doesn’t let up, either
Everything will always be on you
Little Dyl doesn’t love his job when he’s 45?
You should have listened to him when he said he wanted to quit piano
Or not listened, as the case may be
That might be why he’s compiling expense reports right now,
Instead of playing at Carnegie Hall
Of course,
That’s assuming he lives to be 45
SIDS, drowning, car accident, suicide, overdose?
All on you, Mom
If you would have been a better parent, Little Dyl would still be here
Probably curing cancer or whatever
It’s literally all your fault
That he got so high on crack that he drove off that bridge
He was ultimately a victim of your bad parenting, Mommy Dearest
You killed him, not the 200 ft. drop and the ensuing explosion
I hope you feel bad
Having single-handedly killed off your sweet baby boy,
Our nation’s future
All because you were a terrible parent
I know, Dylly Girl,
It all seems so hard and unfair
I uh, I wish I had some good news for you
There’s breast cancer, I guess
It gets really good funding
It has killed two of my classmates already
But even I can’t deny that it gets disproportionate research money
Oh, and no male pattern baldness
That’s definitely a bonus
Still, I know this is a lot
It’s so much harder than the Barbie commercial made it sound
Trust me,
I get it
We all do
The ruffles and bows are great
The glitter is a lot of fun
If I were a boy, I’d still wear the shit out of a flouncy skirt every now and then
But man, some of the other parts?
It’s almost enough to make a girl wish she’d been born with a dick…
Note: None of this is to diminish the challenges that men face. None of this is to diminish the challenges that trans individuals face. Those challenges are all just as real and sometimes greater than the challenges faced by women.
The key things is, those are different challenges. Challenges that I can empathize with, but will never fully understand by virtue of being a woman. A woman who has spent 35 years in a woman’s body, raised with the societal pressures placed on girls.
And that reality cuts in both directions…