The "Return" of Tennis Bracelets

The Wall Street Journal can do better.

Apparently the tennis bracelet is back.

The Wall Street Journal informed me of this.

Meanwhile, I’m over here questioning the state of modern journalism.

I mean, I have one key question: How old does the WSJ think their average reader is?

If this is American Girl Magazine, then by all means, shout the news from the rooftops.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime (so far) event for the under-12 crowd.  I think I got my first tennis bracelet when I was seven, but that was only because I was born during blessed times. 

When I was seven, my consciousness of the style world was perfectly aligned with the spot on the trend curve where tennis bracelets were everywhere.  It didn’t matter that my knowledge of “sophisticated fashion” mostly came from suburban housewives and first grade teachers, because those people totally knew about tennis bracelets. Short of Chris Evert, they were pretty much the prime audience for such things. (Also, that Venn diagram of style inspiration was a circle.  Most of my teachers were former housewives.  My favorite of the bunch drove a Lexus LS and smelled like raspberries…)

In other words, I’ve been fortunate on the tennis bracelet front. And the “knowing how to pair everything from Talbot’s”-front. That’s what happens when all of your 90’s role models were married to bankers.

I know a lot of kids haven’t had those advantages.

…

My younger sister, for instance.  

She spent elementary school in a tennis bracelet-less time.  

It was a dark era.  September 11.  The Iraq war.  Shirts that said “SEXY” across the front in a glittery block font. A kindergarten teacher who drove a Mercury, like some kind of peasant.  

Kids shouldn’t have to grow up seeing those things. It was like living through the dust bowl, except stickier, and everything ended up covered in glitter. 

…

Anyway, I digress.  

I understand that there is very much an age group out there that needs to learn about tennis bracelets.  They deserve to know about them.  Everybody deserves to hear the good word, if you will.  

But like…I think the average WSJ reader already has. 

Telling a bunch of people who are old enough to care about the markets in Malaysia that tennis bracelets exist is like planning a mission trip to Second Baptist.  I’m sure the intentions are good, but everybody at Second Baptist has already heard about Jesus, and everybody reading the Wall Street Journal has already heard about tennis bracelets.  It’s just not a great use of anybody’s time and money.

The only reason to go spread the good news at Second Baptist is to hit up the potluck, and the only reason to tell Wall Street Journal readers about tennis bracelets is to rake in that sweet affiliate-link dough. And the original article didn’t even include any affiliate links, so I’m not exactly sure what the goal was…

…

Also, if I’m going to be honest, this piece has me a little bit worried for the future of our nation.   

First of all, costume jewelry is not new.  Not even a little bit.  I’m pretty sure that within a week of mankind first figuring out how to blow glass, some lady was asking her glassblowing husband if he could make her something that looked like diamonds so she could go impress the other ladies in her berry picking group. 

It’s the tale as old as time. 

Wanting shiny things but not wanting to spend the money for shiny things is pretty much part and parcel of the human experience.

Secondly, I can confirm that everybody in 1994 already knew that tennis bracelets could be worn with casual outfits. 

The…name kind of said it all, actually.  

Tennis bracelet.

Worn during tennis.  And trips to the grocery store.  And while driving the carpool.  

Up next:  Nike shorts.  No longer just for formal occasions. 

Not that society isn’t headed there, but I like to think the destination hasn’t been reached just yet.  For now, Nike shorts are only business casual.  Tennis whites are business formal, at most.  There’s no need to save tennis bracelets for black tie. They’ll be just fine at regular cocktail parties and/or trips to the Bunny Bread outlet. 

Really. Everyone knew this in 1994, and nothing has changed.

Finally, and this part is deeply concerning:  Wearing one’s ransom payment is…maybe not the best crime prevention tip?

Like, I’m not trying to victim-blame or tell anyone how to live their life here, but I just feel like that’s not a great plan. I’ve never really gone on any big crime sprees aside from the time when I removed the tag on my mattress that said Do Not Remove, but if this is a game of “Would You Rather”, I’m picking robbery over kidnapping every damn time. 

Stealing somebody’s jewelry isn’t cool.  Tying somebody up in the back of a cargo van is decidedly less cool yet. I’m no criminology expert, but I’m guessing that if someone has already crossed the second bridge, crossing the first one probably wouldn’t be too hard. 

I don’t know.  Maybe if she’s that worried, she should look into K&R insurance.  Maybe she could talk to her agent, too.  I’m thinking he might have the same advice that I do about that one.  Chubb and AIG surely covered this in their employee training. 

Mostly, I’m just not sure the WSJ is understanding their core audience.  

I mean, I’m sure they have subscribers who are younger than me, and for them, this is probably valuable information. 

Sort of. 

Maybe. 

But even then, I think there’s a bit left to be desired—after all, Gen Z has almost definitely heard of costume jewelry, and wearing one’s ransom is, again, just not remotely good life advice at all.  

But also, I’m thinking that if I were to plot the ages of every Wall Street Journal subscriber on a chart, I’d probably still be at the younger half of things. 

It’s not a publication that has much overlap with YM and TigerBeat. 

At least when I was younger, none of the kids were really passing around copies of the WSJ at slumber parties.  That was not the exciting publication to pilfer from Mom and Dad. (Unless, of course, my parents are reading this. In which case, yeah. That’s exactly what we were staying up all night looking at. There’s nothing pubescent kids are more interested in than learning how to prepare for a bear market. I promise.)

So just, yeah.  If anyone needs me, I guess I’m headed to talk to the editor of the Wall Street Journal.  

If this is what passes for quality fashion journalism, I’m ready to be their Anna Wintour.  I know about the knockoff Hermes scarves on Amazon and everything, so I think I’m pretty on top of my stuff.  The blankets, too.  I know how to stage a condo so that it will look like the current owners are the sorts of people who can afford a $2,000 throw blanket—and not in the bad realtor way, either. I can make it look convincing. I even know about Cartier love bracelets and those Balenciaga sneakers that look kind of like regular tennis shoes, but bad.

I clearly have the kind of cutting edge fashion and style knowledge our world needs.

Maybe not in absolute terms, but relatively speaking.